No one reads this crap but myself (and maybe my wife, if the post isn’t in the Pokemon category)…so let’s get personal for a second- Sharketo isn’t dead but it is in a coma.
I have really huge mood swings- I go from being really happy and motivated to pretty depressed and it all revolves around my mom’s health, the news and life in general.
I do feel that Sharketo (lazy keto) is the perfect thing for me- I dropped 50 lbs. on it and was really happy- however, I think my food addiction is more based on emotions and control and less on the actual food. I use to think that I was just addicted to the taste of food but when you go on a diet where you can eat meat, cheese and bacon but STILL not stick to it, there has to be other issues and I’m slowly figuring those issues out.
I don’t like to get too personal on here but just know that my mom is really sick and has been for about 8 years; it’s like a roller coaster, only the “downs” are when the DR tells you that your mom won’t live past the weekend and then a few weeks later she is eating popsicles and making jokes- it’s been to that extreme about 6-8 times and it really takes its toll on a person. Even on her good days, she is in an enormous amount of pain, can’t move herself and can basically only stare at a wall and then she gets rolled over to stare at the other wall…it’s not much of a life. The issue is in my head 24/7 and, at times, it can get really overwhelming and I just turn to food and here are the two main reasons I’ve come up with –
1. I’m trying to commit a slow suicide. I know that sounds like I need some serious help but the longer the situation goes on, the more I realize that life isn’t beautiful- it’s brutal and painful and since we all die anyway, sometimes it feels like sooner is better.
2. Control. This is a weird one but the more I focus on my weight, the more it pops up. I’ve been trying to think about what I’m feeling and why I’m eating every time I eat and it’s usually control. We were really poor, on food stamps and government help when I was a kid- all the way up until the day I moved out on my own and, even then, I was poor…we are still poor but doing better than a lot. I never had the freedom to walk into a store and buy anything I wanted and since I literally have everything I could possibly want, I turn to buying food. When you go on a diet or new way of eating, there are foods you “can’t” have and I think that is a huge part of the issue- I recognize that feeling I get when I walk into a store and tell myself that I can have ANY food in that place….ANYTHING! I go overboard and get this and that and those and the feeling is better than an orgasm. I’m not trying to get nasty on ya, just saying…it’s an amazing feeling…that then leads to crashing afterwards….then regret and then I start over again. That is addiction.
Right now, I seem to be at a good spot…I’m realizing the issues and hopefully it’s not too late to tackle them…I really want to get back to Sharketo and start using my awesome gym I’ve set up and get back to really “feeling” good but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I know people get tired of riding on my roller coaster with me and I’m really trying my best to get off it.
I watch Boogie2988 and he just had weight loss surgery and I’ve always told myself I just won’t do that but it’s crept into my mind…I’ll be 40 years old in about 6 months and if I’m not on track by them, it could be a real option…but I don’t want to get to that point.
Boogie said something that really hit me….you can be overweight due to food and lack of exercise but when you get morbidly obese like I am (400 plus), there has to be something bigger…it’s not just that you eat too many calories, there has to be an addiction, emotional issues…something pushing you to basically commit slow suicide and until you understand that, you won’t be successful.
I’ve never quit trying…for the last decade…I’ve had some big success and even bigger failures but I’ve never just given up totally and I don’t plan to ever do that.
Love, Peace and Sharkyness