No- that isn’t a typo…just the way us cool people say it.
I’m going to copy/paste something I wrote a few years ago about Valentime’s Day and I still believe it to be 100% true.
Not to pat myself on the back but to prove what I’m talking about- this year I got my wife an Ancestry and Health kit from 23andMe and gave it to her early. She was super surprised because it was unexpected and it’s something she has wanted for a while; she knows her father’s name but never met him and knows nothing about his side of the family.
I’m an asshole and I know that- I’m hard to live with, sarcastic and just a piece of shit sometimes but I’m smart enough to know I would be lost without my wife- she is beyond amazing. She rarely buys herself anything and she is super hard to buy for so when she says there is something she wants, I try to take note of it.
This was a gift from my heart and hopefully means more than flowers or candy or following the bullshit “society” has set for February 14th. Knowledge is power and hopefully this gives her the knowledge she needs to know- who she is, where she is from and how to be healthier so she can grace this planet for as long as I do because I’m not sure I could handle losing her.
In closing…don’t be a basic bitch. The great Logan Paul said it best- “be a Maverick, do it differently.” (that is said sarcastically and factual.)
And now….some truth for the guys….my original post about Valentime’s Day from a few years ago…Enjoy.
Most of ya’ll dudes are basic bitches…but, thankfully, you got Ol’ Sharky here to step up and help you guys out.
There is about two weeks until most of you brainwashed asshats run out and start blowing money on flowers that won’t last a week and don’t forget that card- the one with the romantic poem that some other dude wrote for cash…man, nothing says love like cash.
Here is a fact; it doesn’t matter what you send your girl on Valentime’s Day- someone in her office is going to bad mouth it behind her back.
There is nothing more basic than doing exactly what society tells you…exactly WHEN society tells you!
There is nothing romantic about getting those flowers, that card, maybe a piece of jewelry on the same damn day that 85% of women are getting the same damn thing- that’s manufactured love and it doesn’t mean shit….she may tell you it does but it doesn’t. Hell, she may even like it but that is strictly because she settled for your basic ass and has come to realize she can’t expect much more.
Wal-Mart even does most of the work these days- flowers, cards, stuffed animals, candy and all that crap are right there- up front and in the same damn spot; shouldn’t take you 5 minutes to grab some manufactured bullshit and boom – LOVE.
Here are some tips-
NO flowers…at least not those bullshit florist and, for the love of Thor, no ROSES!!! Look, all those are going to die and those same flowers are probably about 30% cheaper in the Spring….so surprise her with some awesome flowers or maybe even something to plant in a couple of months…you know, without being told.
Not just any card will do….don’t just pick some goofy ass random card; get something with meaning. Hell, you could even go with a card for a kid if it covers an inside joke between you guys. Get something that has MEANING …not just some oddball sunset poem about how she is your sunshine on a gloomy bullshit day.
Do NOT try to go out to dinner on February 14th….seriously, use that day to spend time together- snuggle around the house, watch a movie…COOK her dinner- just stay away from all the assholes that have to be SEEN in order for their love to count. If you are like us, you go out to eat all the time anyway, so how the hell is that even special?
If you are going to get her something for Valentime’s Day…give it to her early, when she DOESN’T expect it!
Don’t ignore her 364 days of the year and then try to make it all up on that one bullshit day- spread out the love…that is when it means the most.
Don’t limit it to just the Valentime’s spots at the store- get her something that shows you actually thought about it and didn’t just grab what you were told to grab.
Give it to her when there isn’t anyone around- when you love someone, you don’t have to shove it in peoples faces…those people will see it in your daily life. If you send all that crap to her at work, Janice, in accounting, may tell her how beautiful it is but she is going to be talking about how little the animals is, how the flowers already look half dead or how tacky the card is….girls are trifflin’ and that’s #TRUTH! Janice don’t give a fuck and neither should you.
If you and your bae are constantly arguing, fighting and putting “It’s Complicated” on Facebook then your bullshit on Valentime’s Day is crystal clear. You can’t fake it one day a year; there is nothing worse than drama queens who forget that we see EVERYTHING you post on social media. We saw all that bullshit about your dude cheating on you and how terrible of a guy he is…so don’t go acting like he is Prince Charming because he got you rose and a pink teddy bear that isn’t even sown together straight.
Of course, if you got a basic bitch then go ahead and do all that bullshit…you guys probably fit together nicely.
Love, Peace and Sharkyness