2018…what a fucking year.
I told myself back on 01.01.2018 that I would completely change myself this year and I would not be the same person on 01.01.2019 and I guess the universe decided to help me out with that. I can honestly say that 2018 has been the single worse year of my life from almost dying in March to losing my mom in July.
I recovered in March and got back on track and I’m going to do the same thing now as well.
My overall goal is to get to the point where my co-workers stop sending around cards to sign for me- it’s appreciated but I’m sure they are getting tired of it.
Call this a motivational speech to myself but this isn’t going to stop me either….it’s another setback. My mom was sick for a decade and I got the call that she was going to die at least 15 times and I’ve gone through this feelings so many time it’s almost natural at this point. She is no longer in pain and 99% of the stress in my life has been lifted. It’s hard to live your life day to day worrying about getting a phone call telling you your mom is doing worse or refuses an IV or is confused again and pulling her trac out of her throat or to walk in after one of those episodes where she is lying almost naked, still covered in blood from where they just had to save her life. The amount of stress and fear every time that phone rang is mind blowing and it’s gone now. Going to sleep in a comfy bed or going shopping or watching a movie with your son knowning your mom is lying in a bad in a huge amount of pain and there is nothing you can do about it is gone now.
I spent yesterday getting everything ready and doing stuff that needed to be done but I also forced my wife to go to Giovanni’s (probably for the last time) because my mom always took me there as a kid- she would even pawn a ring or something just so we could go there and eat the buffet. I stopped by Burkes and got some brownies because she used to get them for me sometimes before school. I also got some lottery tickets because that is what she did.
Yesterday is over….I had a mini celebration to remember her and none of it was Sharketo approved and it didn’t matter then….it matters more than ever now though.
Now it’s time to get back into it and prove to myself that I can do this and finish out 2018 strong…I told myself that I would do it this time no matter what was thrown at me and the universe has thrown it all and here I am….starting a fast to clean everything out and looking forward to getting home and throwing the gloves on and unloading on Everlast.
I’ve already hit my goal for 2018 because I am NOT the person I was on 01.01.2018 but now, on 01.01.2019…I don’t want to be the person I am today.
I still have to get through the funeral tomorrow and then I’m done with that part of my life….no more going to Casey Co Hospital on my Sundays, no fear of phone calls in the middle of the night, no more Danville and a lot less stress.
Mom was super proud of me for dropping 112 lbs and I know because she told me every time we spoke and she made it a point to tell all the nurses and everyone she talked to.
The old me would take all of these excuses the universe is throwing at me and use them to continue the way I was…..”I can’t exercise because I almost died….”…or “I really need to eat all this junk because I’m so sad my mom died….” And I’m not doing that. I had a day to celebrate her and do the things we used to do…which, sadly was usually focused around food and I feel that doing that gave me a type of closer and the scale going up doesn’t really matter…it will go back down.
Today is starting over again but it’s starting over in more ways than one…July has been a terrible month and every time I start over, something else happens….but I will continue to start over as long as it takes.
Love, Peace and Sharkyness