The hardest thing of this is always coming here and writing about another setback- a part of me just wants to ignore it, try to get back on track and move forward because it’s getting old writing the same bullshit every Monday (it seems it’s always on the weekend) but I need to write it out. This “journal” is mostly for me, to go back and re-read my journey and to remember where I’ve been or why something didn’t work but it’s also to show whoever reads it that this isn’t just a before/after picture on Instagram…that line between those two pictures is long and hard and a constant struggle. Very few people go straight from point A to point B without getting knocked off track.
Food is an addiction…it’s my addiction and I have a serious problem when I “binge”- it’s not what some people would call a binge but I do go overboard and let it spiral out of hand very quickly.
I did amazing Friday night and most of Saturday but I decided to take us out to our favorite Mexican place on Saturday night for our Sharketo friendly chicken and shrimp fajitas- no beans, rice or tortillas and I told myself I could handle watching our son eat the chips and I wouldn’t have any. (if we go back- NO chips for any of us…just how it has to be.)
Then I told myself I would only have a few and while I didn’t eat as many chips as I normally would the entire scene played out again- the same as it has for the last two months.
Eat chips…tell myself that since I already knocked myself out of ketosis then now is the time to have a few things I haven’t had for a while and then get back on track. Those “couple of chips” turned into 1.5 days of candy, snacks, White Castle, pizza and whatever else I can think of….whatever else I tell myself that I’ve been “going without” and I cram it all into a couple of days.
The result has been the same the last few times- I feel like shit! The food wasn’t very good, I’m extremely tired and worn out. I feel like shit physically and mentally and the reward I thought was going to come in the form of deliciousness and amazing food never arrived.
I know people (myself included) are getting tired of watching me hit a high point only to screw it up because I continue doing the same thing over and over but this is a part of the journey that people usually don’t see…this is the daily struggle…the daily battle that you sometimes lose.
For me- weight loss is like climbing a ladder. The goal is at the very top and you start off really strong but the longer you go, the harder it gets. You start getting tired and sometimes you slip on a step and slide down but you have to grab on and fight, not to just stay on the ladder but to start moving up again. It seems like I was just hanging there forever and once I finally started moving up the ladder again I slid back down. I guess the goal is to continue going farther up than you slide down each time. If you always go two steps up and only let yourself slide down one step…eventually you will get to the top.
This isn’t a race to the top and while I do have goals I want to hit- those are very adjustable- I’m not going to miss a goal and then just give up and fall back to the ground (like so many times before). I’m going to adjust that goal and continue fighting to climb higher up that ladder. Once I get to the top, I’m kicking the ladder away and staying there.
I’m not happy and I feel like shit but it’s back to Sharketo and I continue to learn from all of the screw ups. I need to remember how I feel right now and remember that there wasn’t a single reward…the stuff didn’t taste that good and honestly- the keto food has been tasting way better so there wasn’t any reason to do what I did and that is the lesson.
I’ve said it before but the more I cheat and screw up the more I understand when people say “skinny feels better than (blank) tastes….”- I’ve been my happiest when I’m eating keto, exercising and being happy to wake up each day and see the progress I’ve made. When you realize that you screwed up, it just makes everything worse and I don’t like the way I feel.
I write this each time and don’t just ignore it because I really need to slam it into my head.
I’ve got the food down and I’ve got the exercise down but I’ve been doing it for 8 months now and I’m still losing the mental battle (which always leads to bad food)….the only upside is that I continue to go higher than I fall- a few cheat days won’t undo 8 months of fighting. Gaining a couple of pounds in a day won’t get me back to 440 lbs if I stop it and get back on track.
My 48s were lose today (down from 58s) and my belt still went to the fresh hole we had to make….I’m still down over 110 lbs and yesterday didn’t take that away….I can’t let that be taken away in the future either.
Back to IF, Sharketo food and exercise. Mowing today and 5K training Tues-Thurs with my last practice 5K on Thursday evening. Then I’m exercising next week and my first 5K is on Sept 8th!
Yesterday was yesterday and it’s going to take several days to get that happy feeling back and probably several weeks to drop the water weight and actual weight from this weekend but I’ll get there. I’ve fought too long and too hard to get where I am now to just go back and with each set back I fight through, I get stronger and learn more and more.
The key to remember from this set back is very clear- I’m not happy, I feel like shit and not a single thing I ate was satisfying. I gained nothing from this set back but pounds…the bad food didn’t bring me the happiness that it once did so a few pounds of weight gain is worth understanding that.
Love, Peace and Sharkyness