October has been a struggle and I really wasn’t expecting that- I had every intention of attacking the next three months and killing it but that hasn’t happened and I understand why but I’m not happy about it.
I have NO motivation. I had managed to keep my motivation up most of 2018- the single hardest year of my life- by focusing on doing things I love to do- getting back into video games, focusing on trading cards and writing and just wanting to be happier.
Then Kavanaugh. Then the news. Then politics.
I use to read the news constantly but I eliminated that part of my life and it slowly returned and I found myself watching and listening to news more and more throughout the day and finding myself not only getting angrier and more annoyed but more depressed at the fact that we are in a spot where we can do nothing about it.
A big part of my problem with food and weight are mood swings and I get really depressed and lose all motivation when I let people and politics get into my little circle. We are in a spot where there isn’t much future to look forward too so why focus on getting healthier? What happens if I get down to 240 lbs exactly…the world is in the same shitty place it was when I was 440 lbs but now I’ve just prolonged my life and having to deal with it.
My family life is amazing- I’m married to the most perfect woman- my son is doing great in school and I have a decent job and our bills get paid. I honestly have very little stress at this point and I’ve fought my way through almost dying back in March and then losing my mom in June and I continued to find the motivation I needed to get back up after a screw up and continue to fight but, honestly, it’s just not in me right now.
I’m trying to keep eating correctly and focus on exercise but I’m just not happy about it like I was…I don’t look forward to it and I don’t have that amazing feeling anymore.
The stress and anger from watching Conservatives and Republicans destroy our country day by day and watch the blatant hypocrisy is mind blowing and life shattering. Watching Mitch McConnell speak for only a few moments pushes me to jump off a high building.
In my home state to see things that Andy Barr has done and said and then see a majority of my neighbors with Andy Barr signs is just devastating. The ignorance I see from day to day crushes any hope I have of a future…for myself or my son. (I can’t imagine what it feels like to be a women, minority or member of the LGBTQ community.)
The motivation is dead and I’m struggling right now…but I’m still trying to get through it.
Friday, October 12th is a big day for me (I’ll post about it on gaming.sharkysworld.com later today) and it’s going to kick off a new attempt to remove myself from this 1984 like reality of our country and focus more and the inside of my house and myself.
I’ve still got a little more than 2.5 months to go in 2018 and I have 2019 to look forward too and I haven’t stopped fighting but it’s definitely harder than it has been.
Love, Peace and Sharkyness