… you wouldn’t understand.
Here’s a little bonus weight loss update.
If you have never been morbidly obese or addicted to food then you have no fucking idea of the internal struggle we face.
I come on here and post about good weeks and bad weeks but, in reality, every minute is a battle in my head and it all comes down to food. If I screw up then I let everyone (including myself) down but there is nothing in this world that would make me happier than getting a pizza, candy and a cake and just inhaling it all. Those are facts.
It’s an instant mood swing and I know that…deep in my head. I constantly tell myself- “oh your sad…you had a rough day…you feel depressed….well- it could all instantly end.”
Those are facts as well. When you are addicted to food (like probably most drugs) you know that all the shit you are going through could instantly be better.
Reality is- I think I have what is called “smiling depression”- I’m basically a happy guy- decent job, amazing wife, smart kid. Life is pretty good and I have NOTHING to complain about yet I have mood swings- I get aggravated and annoyed super easy. I’m on the verge of crying at points, I ask myself why I’m even trying to lose weight- what’s the overall point?
I put a ton of pressure on myself and fail every fucking week and the happiest time of the week is while I’m failing- all thanks to food.
I even like the Sharketo food that we make and eat but that doesn’t seem to matter. I even prefer the sugar free candy but none of that matters in the end.
On top of all of that- I fully understand that it’s a temporary fix but it’s at least a break for worrying or even caring. It’s a break from giving a shit and that is what I’m hooked on. There is no better feeling to walk into a grocery store or restaurant and not set any limits on yourself- you can get anything AND as much of it as you want.
When people who are truly obese bust their ass to lose weight and be successful at it- please understand that it was far harder than you could ever imagine- which is why I get so pissed when folks who’ve had surgery get praise for “losing weight”. The have the same issues but they can’t physically go with them because they get sick- at least at the beginning and that is usually enough to train your body to deal with it; those of us doing it without surgery don’t have that luxury.
Then you add the thought of doing this for the rest of my life- battling with myself and constantly facing that loop of temptations, giving in, and depression…like a fucking roller coaster (pretty fitting actually).
You get that instant high and the more you get it, the more you want it. I was going several weeks without screwing up and now I can barely make it 3-4 days before it’s so much that I can’t take it and give in…again.
Yesterday was a “bad” day for me and there isn’t an exact reason why- I was disappointed, annoyed, aggravated and craving everything you can think of. I had the perfect opportunity because my wife works late on Wednesdays and there wasn’t really anyone there to stop me. I did talk to my wife through messages and it helped but, in the end, it all came down to what decision I was going to make and how much I was willing to fight.
I went home- heated up our spinach quiche (recipe from Sunday) and a couple of left over sausage links. Then I had some “Lil’ Smokies” with G Hughes sugar free BBQ sauce. The “Lil’ Smokies” are processed food so many people wouldn’t consider them “keto friendly” but they work for me. The package had 800 calories and 10 carbs but added with the quiche/sausage- still wasn’t more than 1200 calories and about 12 net carbs. I then went and streamed some Overwatch and when my wife got home, we went and got some sugar free candy…which caused me to be up since about 3:30am with some bathroom issues…as those of us on Sharketo know.
I didn’t cheat- I didn’t allow myself to eat an entire pizza or bags of candy- I found a way to get that “cheat” feeling and still stay within my MACROS and on the plan.
I’m still up from all the screwing up but I’m back down to 310 lbs- which is where I was BEFORE the last few weeks of screwing up and I’m dropping pretty fast. So- if I don’t screw up between now and 03.03.2019 I have a small chance of hitting that 299 lbs or really damn close
The good news from all of this is that I’ve learned I can “maintain” a certain weight range and still allow myself some cheat days- the problem is- I’m not down to where I need to be maintaining yet but once I get there- it will get easier.
Love, Peace and Sharkyness