Fat Tuesday 03.19.2019

Another Fat Tuesday but the same ol’ story. I’ve been able to successfully maintain between 299 lbs – 310 lbs over the last 4-6 months that is both good and bad.

It’s bad because that is NOT where I want to stay- it’s not where I want to learn to maintain and I still have about 59 lbs to lose.

It’s good because I haven’t gained and I’ve been able to maintain a decent amount of weight loss for a decent amount of time.

Here is the problem though- I’ve done this by screwing up on the weekends and then working my ass off during the week to get back down- however, this week I’ve been sick. I didn’t exercise yesterday or this morning due to wheezing, coughing and just feeling overall miserable. I have “exercise induced asthma” – which I’ve had since playing football in middle school. I can usually work through it- do my workout and rest a few minutes and keep it under control but I can’t if I’m already wheezing before I even start. This basically means that I can’t bust my ass this week to work off last weekend. So if I screw up again this weekend, that will only ADD to what I gained and haven’t been able to work off and THAT is how you gain all the weight back.

I get discouraged pretty easy but we’ve been watching “My 600 lb Life” and some of those people have goal weights of where I currently am and it honestly makes me feel better- I understand this is a life time process and you are going to go up and down and I’m up right now and it sucks because, even though I’ve lost something every single month for 14 months- it’s not been very much lately.

This could be the first month out of 15 that I actually gain and I only have 13 days to at least get back to where I was and that includes 2 weekends and I feel like shit- it’s not looking good.

I always felt that as long as I lost 1 lbs per month- it may take 59 months but I would eventually hit my goal but if I start going back up- that goal is going to get farther and farther away.

Most of the time, when I have a cheat binge- I know why- something stressful happened or I was just in a depressed mood or something but not this weekend…I don’t even know what the fuck happened and that’s 100% the truth.

My wife and I went to have Mexican- which you CAN do keto and then I decided to have some chips and salsa- a few chips won’t hurt- and then I wake up Monday after binging all weekend on nothing but shit food. I didn’t “black out” like drunks do- I knew exactly what I was doing- but honestly couldn’t stop and didn’t even try to fight it.

I know what food to eat, I know how to do the fasting and exercise- I know it all and it’s my routine about 70% of the time yet that 30% time of cheating is enough to overwhelm the 70% and it doesn’t make any damn sense.

I really need to focus on the weekends and stopping the binges before they happen- I’m fine during the week.

I fasted 48 hours but then didn’t feel like I could make it more than 2 hours without eating over the weekend.

This journey is a struggle and it’s one that isn’t fair- you can do fasting, workout and eat perfect for 5 days perfectly but then screw up 2 of those days and the other 5 is just wiped out like you didn’t do anything. It’s so fucking easy to eat 10,000 calories but IMPOSSIBLE to burn off 10,000 calories- one can be done in only a few hours while the other takes weeks to accomplish.

The question I ask myself is- “am I happy at this weight? Am I happy doing this over and over?” and I know I’m not and it will only take a couple of weeks to recover and be where I was so I can’t stop now and it’s not “over” but it seems like it’s getting harder and harder to get back up each time.

If you have ever watched “My 600 lbs Lie” you will notice that the successful ones usually follow a pattern- they lose a lot of weight, have surgery, the weight loss slows down and then they see a psychotherapist. I did this without surgery but the journey is basically the same- I think I’m at the point to where I need to talk to a professional but honestly can’t afford it.

I’m at the mental stage of this journey and it’s getting the best of me over and over and over and I don’t really have the tools to deal with it- this is the part of the journey that is either going to send me back to 440 lbs (and more) or I’m just going to keep fighting over and over just to maintain around 300 lbs.

No amount of motivation or inspiration is going to be able to push me passed this part of the journey.

I’m honestly not sure what is going to work- if anything.

So- that’s where I am- let’s hope I’m all better by next Tuesday.

Love, Peace and Sharkyness

Author: Administrator

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