2019 – Missing Link Chapter Three – Fuzzy Picture (Mar)
I thought I had the perfect picture- finally captured “The Missing Link” and was ready to show the world, but then, when I looked at it…it was just all fuzzy and you can’t make it out and reality set in that I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.
March started off shitty- I had two gastroparesis attacks and almost a third but I think I have a grasp on what is causing it and how to avoid it- I have had the worst month (as far as weight/health) of the last 15 months that I’ve been doing Sharketo. My birthday was terrible and resulted in the first attack and 25 hours of pain and vomiting- so I continued “cheating” because I felt like I needed to celebrate- which lead to a second attack but only about 12 hours of pain and vomiting. So I continued to cheat and I think, deep in my head, I was trying to prove to myself that over-eating and binging is what was actually causing the issue and that led to the start of another attack but I downed some pepto and that seemed to calm things down a bit.
My results- if I binge, I’m going to get pretty fucking sick for about a full 1-2 days and highly regret it.
The main thing I have focused on over the last 15 months is being 100% truthful and honest to myself- this is my “journal” and I’m basically the only person who really pays attention and I can’t lie to myself- I’ve tried.
After basically a cheat month- yes, a few days of trying to recover and get back on track…but failing- I stepped on the scale this morning and it wasn’t good; it was so bad that I honestly thought of just using NA for this month’s weight but that isn’t facing reality. I can’t just act like March didn’t happen because it’s the first month, out of 15, that I’ve gained and it sucks because it started with my lowest weight of 299 lbs.
The scale said 328 lbs.
29 lbs in a month- is that even possible? I do expect a large amount of that is water weight- I felt like I may have a gastroparesis attack yesterday so I did down water and Gatorade like I was dying of thirst so some of it could be that, however, a lot of it is fat because I’ve “binged”- that is my problem. I don’t just have a cheat day, I binge and binge and get so much food in me that my body can’t digest it fast enough and it makes me extremely sick. I do have a problem believing all of that is fat due to the fact that I wore my size 44 pants today- that is the lowest size I’ve been in and they still fit. 30 lbs gained should probably result in my smallest pants no longer fitting.
That has to stop now though. March was out of hand and I was miserable and while I’m highly frustrated right now and just on the edge of giving up- I realize just how fast the weight comes back.
I bitch and complain about “working my ass off” and not losing any weight but the truth is, I’m only busting my ass in order to have the cheat day every fucking week and this time, that “birthday cheat day” turned into a month of binging and letting everything get out of control. Even when I stick to Sharketo, I’m still highly over doing it on calories and it’s time to get strict. It’s time to do all the shit I knew I should have been doing and get back to the way I was those first 6 months of 2018.
Chapter Three was that “surprising twist” in the story- no one saw a gain of 29 lbs coming- not even me.
On top of that- I was “scared” to step on the scale and that is another way it got out of control because I figure it was a few pounds here and there.
I’m about as low as I can go right now- not weight wise- but just mentally, aggravated, frustrated and annoyed wise. I feel like I have so many people watching and posting a gain of 29 lbs in a month is just embarrassing, pathetic and there isn’t an excuse for it- none. No amount of stress, depression or bullshit should result in that amount of weight gain.
I feel like I let everyone (including myself) down and admitting that is shitty- but I have to admit it and not act like it didn’t happen.
I need to focus on STOPPING it here and now- going back to Sharketo completely killing the next 3.5 months. No more excuses to cheat or have all the junk or to “celebrate” because this doesn’t feel like a fucking celebration anymore. Having all this bad shit isn’t a reward anymore- it’s not only killing me as far as my weight but it’s going to lead to another gastroparesis attack.
I haven’t been writing, making yummy Sharketo recipes, drawing or anything…just stuffing as much shit into my body as I humanly could.
If I don’t turned this around now, I’ll be back to where I was and I will give up at that point- if I ever get back to over 400 lbs, I won’t have any fight left in me and that is being 100% real with this situation.
Love, Peace and Sharkyness