First Year

My “first year” of holidays without my mom is basically over- the last one to deal with was one of the biggest- Mother’s Day. The anniversary of her dying is about 2 months away and I think we have Memorial Day and 4th of July but I don’t consider those “big” holidays- sorry if you do.

Mom died on July 20th, 2018 and I went through our son’s birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, my birthday, her birthday and then Mother’s Day.

I didn’t make it through any of them very well, always returning to food and binge eating- maybe to deal with it or maybe just as an excuse.

I have a little more than 2 months to get ready for the one year anniversary where I wanted to celebrate life, be past the 10 million cards donated mark, ride my first roller coaster and just enjoy still being on this floating rock for a while longer.

Death is one of those things that just lingers- forever- it never really goes away and the anxiety hits me just out of the blue- I’ll realize that I haven’t talked to her nurse for a while or haven’t called to check on things and it takes me a few seconds to get back to reality; that still happens daily. I realize that once that year mark passes- it’s not going to get much easier but now that the “firsts” are gone…I think the 2nd, 3rd, 4th- etc will get at least a little easier as time goes on.

I really feel like this least year, I’ve just been a flat out failure- as far as weight loss or even handling the situation. My only saving grace is that I continue to get back up after failing and I haven’t let myself fall all the way back down to where I was…and today is yet another getting back up day.

If only the weekends could be like Mondays. Most people hate Monday but I almost live for them. It’s the start of a new week, I go back to work and it’s easy to get my walking in and get back on my IF and get everything back under control- at least for 5 days.

Addiction is a fucked up thing and an addict will use any excuse to give in and I keep doing that over and over again. I did it for 10 years due to “stress” from my mom being sick and knocking on deaths door for so long and now I do it because the door opened and closed with her on the other side.

I fully understand why I keep failing and I have no clue how to stop, yet I continue to try.

Death is a joke and we are the punchline and I understand my view of death is different than most so using it as an excuse works on the outside but not on the inside. The people around me figure I deserve to kill the pain with food but inside I know that stress was lifted and this is the best situation for everyone. Watching your mom slowly and painfully die over a decade is far worse than knowing she is no longer in pain.

The food I binged on, over the weekend, wasn’t that good- put me further in debt and made me feel like pure shit and there was almost ZERO satisfaction and nothing has changed today- I’m in the same spot as I was Friday- only several pounds heavier with a binge hangover that makes my entire body hurt.

This is weight loss. This is what a food addict goes through- it’s not just before and after pictures and people congratulation you for losing 140 lbs- it’s a fucking daily battle that beats you down and even when you go into “beast mode” for days or weeks at a time…you only have the illusion of victory. The addiction always wins because it never leaves.

Day one of sobriety starts now.

Love, Peace and Sharkyness

Author: Administrator

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