I’m stuck in a weird place- no motivation, no inspiration and facing a choice.
1. When I follow Sharketo and exercise I start feeling amazing but the cravings are always there…mostly mental. If I even hear someone talking about something- the craving hits me. I start thinking about the food and it’s in my head until I get it. I constantly feel like I’m wasting my time and it’s a mental war.
2. I eat anything I want (and usually binge) and I’m happy- if only temporarily. There is no mental war in my head and less stress. Eating whatever I want makes me extremely happy and I use it to control my mood and stress…however…I feel like total shit. I’m always tired, don’t sleep well, don’t breath very well, have stomach/bathroom issues and just feel insanely terrible.
Both clearly has it’s pros and cons but one is going to end up killing me while I can’t fully control the other so I feel like I’m in a no win situation right now.
On top of all of this- I have NO hope for the future- from the world around to retirement. I’m already 41 and may have 19 years left- IF THAT. My dad has had several heart attacks and my mom passed away at 63 years old from tons of health issues but her official cause of death was a heart attack.
I feel like I’m stuck being happy, eating what I want and dying sooner or fighting a constant mental war and still dying.
Even the pros of sticking to it and losing weight turns to cons when I break it all down- you’ll be healthier and live longer…but I watch news all the time and I see what the future is going to be like and who the hell wants to be around for that? Live longer to end up like my mom and die a slow and painful death or just eat myself into a nice little “die in my sleep” scenario?
See my point?
Then I think maybe I can be an inspiration to someone and drop 200 lbs. on my own but folks only want a quick and easy fix- like weight loss surgery or expensive pills/programs that don’t do shit. Why bust my ass to drop 200 lbs when “this person” can have surgery and drop 200 lbs in way less time with way less effort and yet get the same “appreciation” from others as motivation? I’m also pretty anti-social and hate humanity in general so…again….pros turning to cons faster than a NFL player beating his girlfriend.
I do realize that I can’t keep going on with number 2- it’s a mental battle that I’m going to have to continue fighting if only to still have pants to wear. I gave away all of my fatter clothes and the pants I have now barely fit and I refuse to buy anything bigger.
I will lose some weight to keep wearing the same size, go naked or become a hermit but being a hermit probably won’t pay the bills.
It’s pointless to say I’m “starting over” again today because this entire life is really just one journey with one start and one end. Last time I did amazing for 12 days and then lost that battle and gained all of that back again.
I got my energy drink this morning- fasting and walking and getting back on the bike this afternoon and doing my weights. I should have a great couple of days and start to feel better and that mental attack will come around Thursday.
I’ve lost so many battles at this point but I’m still fighting the war. I’m still getting back up and running- full speed- towards the enemy.
I’ve literally tried everything I can think of and I can’t get the success I had from early 2018.
I’m struggling with food, depression, mood swings and lack of caring in general.
Back to all of my “normal” stuff today and let’s see how long I can stick to it. I still have 3 days to lose a few pounds and then 5 months left of 2019. While it’s not over yet, it’s slowly slipping away before my eyes.
Love, Peace and Sharketo