Yesterday was partially awesome- I did all of my walking, fasting, bike and boxing and then we hit up Jason’s Deli for plates and plates of veggies!
Then I had a couple pieces of their little garlic bread, then a couple of those amazing mini muffins…then an ice cream cone which led to Oreo bars and mini brownies.
Another fresh start today- I am NOT giving this up!
Tomorrow is August 1st and the first of a month is a great time to start fresh (even though I’m doing it today) and I now have 5 months…I completely wasted July…again.
January-June 2018 was AMAZING and then I struggled from July 18-Mach 19 but still lost another 30 lbs and got down to 299 lbs and then I just said fuck it and gained 30 lbs in March 2019. I then maintained during April, May and June and now I’ve gained about another 10-15 lbs in July.
I had a couple of amazing weeks in July but just a week of binge eating for me can destroy MONTHS of hard work and that is the part that devastates me. I can work so hard for so long and have it just destroyed in only a few days.
I have literally wasted 13 months of my life…over a year…just trying to get back on track and going up and down (but up a little more each time) until now I’ve gained about 40 lbs or so from where I was and it’s mentally breaking me down day by day.
I know if I don’t stop this NOW, I will gain ALL of the weight back in just a few months and be right back where I was and I just can’t let that happen…no matter how many days I fail- I have to get up every single time…until I’m no longer able.
I’m trying to focus on what I can have instead of all of the stuff I can’t have. The exercise is the easy part- the food is the part that is slowly killing me and taking away all of the success I had.
I know I can get SO much done in 5 months because I have before…I just have to do it.
I keep coming up with plans and telling myself all of this bullshit and then fuck up again- either today or 12 days from now…it’s never “over” and it never will be and I need to come to terms with that.
I did perfect Sharketo for 12 days in a row and still just fucked up or no reason and went right back to what I was doing.
Weight loss is ALL a mental game- period. It’s not numbers, it’s not calories in VS calories out….it’s all a mental battle between you and addiction and I continue to lose- Every. Fucking. Battle.
…the only positive is that I haven’t stopped fighting yet.
Love, Peace and Sharketo