Falling is easy…anyone can do it.
The problem comes when you reach out to try to stop yourself and once you finally do, you face the devastating task of trying to climb back to where you were.
I can only imagine where I would be if I hadn’t fallen…if I had kept fighting and climbing…but I didn’t and here I am.
Kids today call it “taking an L”- I took a big one and Facebook memories refuses to let me forget. I keep getting reminders of last year, when I was working to get under 300 lbs. for the first time in decades- I did that on March 1st- just 9 short months ago- yet here I am, back to 369 lbs today.
I keep seeing pics of when I was at my lowest and then pass a mirror and pure shame washes over me like someone dumped a bucket of ice cold water over me…where I could have been is like a childhood regret that you still keep warm in your adult mind; it’s always there.
So many “day ones” and yesterday was yet another one.
It’s a really shitty feeling to be in this spot and, sadly, I can’t think of a better word to describe it- other than shitty; it’s even worse knowing that I allowed it to happen- after putting so much effort and fight…I just laid down and gave up.
Day two starts now but I’ve learned that a streak no longer matters…I had a steak of 6 months that washed away before I even finished blinking…after that, day two doesn’t really seem like all that great of an accomplishment.
I honestly have no clue where these last 9 months went or how I even got back to this point but I do know that I had a good day yesterday- I went hard on the exercise and now I’m back to coughing and having a hard time breathing- a “just” reward for finally attempting to actually try again.
My weight-lifting days are Mon-Wed-Fri so that means today is just some cardio on the bike and some boxing- I need to force myself to exercise all 5 days this week- even Thursday.
I need to focus on the food because the food is the addiction and the only way to recover from this L – it’s the only way to start climbing back to where I was- a destination that was home but now just seems like an ancient vacation from years ago.
Facebook wasn’t just all bad news today though…I saw a memory from 2016 when I had gotten under 400 lbs and felt highly successful- I felt successful then, yet being at 369 lbs this morning was devastating.
I’m still 31 lbs lower than I was this time 3 years ago and I’m still 70 lbs down from my highest…I haven’t slammed onto the ground below yet but I’m hanging onto a tiny little limb, with no safety harness and I’m swinging pretty violently.
Love, Peace and Sharkyness