I made myself a promise back on 01.01.2018 that I would be 100% truthful on here and show the world the true struggle of a weight loss journey- the journey of someone addicted to food.
My wife and I watch “My 600 lb Life” and they always use tons of excuses from their past as to why they weigh so much and I have most of those same excuses.
My dad left when I was a baby and saw me, maybe a total of 5 times, my entire childhood and throw a couple of times in there from about 12 years ago when I stepped up and tried to have a relationship with him and he just said fuck it then as well. I always had that feeling of not being wanted.
My mom busted her ass and did what she could to give me an amazing childhood and spoil me but I was an only child and I did spend a lot of time alone.
First time I’m throwing this one out there in public but I also “had issues” with a female baby sitter when I was really young- not to get into details but she was probably a very young teen and I was probably around 6-8 years old and things happened- no reason to go into it.
The point is- I have every fucking excuse they have but I’m man enough to admit that I just love food- I’m addicted to it and it gets the best of me over and over and over.
I have every excuse that I’ve seen used, to just lay back and shove food in my mouth to “forget about my emotions” and all the shit that has happened to me throughout my life. I almost died in 2018, my mom passed away, one of my closest cousins died a couple years ago- all GREAT reasons to just binge and give up.
While I’m still fighting- this shit is hard and I honestly believe it’s harder than being an alcoholic or drug addict because a food addict has to face his addiction daily.
How well would a drunk do with sobriety if they HAD to have a small drink every day- of only specific alcohol and only a very small around but then set around and watch everyone else drink and drink and drink?
How well would a crack head do with just a small little rock each day- not enough to really get high or feel it…just enough to let you know that it still exists and that YOU are still addicted to it.
I did a 48 hour fast to help me realize that I’m in control of this situation and I guess I pissed off the universe because it came back swinging and sent me into a 3 day binge- I mean, hey…it’s the weekend and that is what I do on the weekend, right???
This is a fight that will never end and I’m afraid that it will only last until I can’t fight anymore and I hit that spot almost every weekend, only to get right back up on Monday and start swinging again- how many times am I going to be able to do that though?
Here I am again- a weekend binge, another failure, another weekend of letting myself, those around me and those supporting me down once again.
On top of all of that- I woke up sick this morning so couldn’t even do my morning workout- I have exercise induced asthma and normally I just work through it- I do my workout and then cough, have a rough time breathing and my chest gets really tight but I work through it and I’m find- however if I wake up feeling like that, full of snot – then exercising and making it worse isn’t really an option.
I plan to get my walking in today and hopefully feel a little better to have an extended afternoon workout with the cardio/boxing added to the weights. I plan to get back on track this week and KILL it but does it even matter anymore? In 5 days another weekend will roll around and I probably won’t be successful and then I’m back where I am now- I guess it’s better than being back where I was 140 lbs ago but it seems like a lot of work to maintain a weight of around 299-310 lbs for so many months.
Too many people in this fight only want to show the world their highlight reel- they only want to show the wins and rarely acknowledge the defeats- you see a lot of the “before/after” pics when they lose a bunch of weight but you don’t see many “before/after” picks after a weekend long binge and they are bloated and full of water weight and look like they’ve gained 20 lbs.
Yea, I’m not posting one of those either but I will stand up and say that I screwed up AGAIN. Another weekend set back that will probably take the rest of March to work off just to get back to where I was and have an even month.
Some things get easier like having more choices with the food or even the exercising but the mental battle never gets easier- it’s an up and down of emotions- highly motivated to shoving cookies in your mouth- all within a very small timeframe.
The good news- I am back to fasting and trying to get some exercise in, even while being sick and I’m back to trying to do OMAD and will hopefully drop some of the water weight and actual fat gained over the weekend.
Also…ONE WEEK until we get to see Impractical Jokers and we have 3rd row, floor seats!! Going to be amazing!!!
I KNOW I should fit in those seats better since the last time I was at something like that I was 440 lbs and having an anxiety attack from not being able to breath thanks to the steps- should be a totally different experience- even with the weekend binge.
I’m back up, got my gloves on and swinging but the weekend knockdown took a lot out of me. Time to fight back- no matter how tired (or sick.)
Love, Peace and Sharkness