Another First Birthday

The last year- March 16th, 2018 – March 15th, 2019 shouldn’t have happened.

When I look back and compare the me to then- it’s mind blowing. All the things I got to do over this year that I don’t think I was supposed to do.

I’m an atheist- I don’t believe in a high power guiding us nor do I believe in “fate”- I believe in time and chance. I believe in consequences and coincidences.

I didn’t start trying to lose weight back on January 1st, 2018- I had been trying to lose weight for at least 25 years (some success, mostly failures.) It’s just a coincidence that I found keto and focused so hard on it to drop enough weight to ensure I survived something that my surgeon literally told me I wouldn’t- if I hadn’t lost so much weight over the first 2.5 months.

I lived long enough to bury my mom- she passed away from a ton of health issues- all caused by smoking most of her love- those were her consequences for the choices- not fate.

What I’ve learned over the last year is this- you win some and you lose some. I know that sounds harsh but that is just fact. Our lives are full of consequences and coincidences. If I hadn’t lost that weight, I probably would have died in surgery and that would have been my consequence of a lifetime of bad eating and not caring as much as I should; but instead- I lost the weight which led to me making it through but it wasn’t thanks to prayers or a higher power- it was thanks to a specific set of coincidences from my weight loss to the timing to that specific, amazing surgeon being on call that night.

Any of those coincidences don’t happen and I’m not here – period.

I remember the week afterwards I had a strange feeling- like from Final Destination- I just had a weird feeling like I shouldn’t know things that were happening- I shouldn’t be involved in things that were going on…I shouldn’t be here any longer. That feeling last for a week- maybe two. It was one of the weirdest things I’ve ever gone through. I’m not trying to say I was suicidal- just felt like still being alive was messing with timelines- Butterfly Effect style.

That eventually went away and I got back on track- I got to celebrate my mom’s last birthday with her, I got to see Evan turn 12, I got to see another October 20th- another spring, summer, fall, winter…Halloween, Christmas, Evan’s band concerts- I can’t even think of all the things I got to be a part of over the last year.

I really started focusing on being happy at that point and haven’t stopped.

Yes, I do realize I say the same stuff a lot – focus on being happy, do what you want to make you happy, do what you enjoy regardless if you are good at it or what anyone may say about it. I say it over and over because it didn’t mean as much to me for the first 40 years of my life but now it means EVERYTHING.

Pick a date from the past year and just pretend you died and think about ALL the things you would have missed out on- just something as simple as hearing a song for the first time.

I think March 15th is going to be a weird day for me for the rest of my life- it’s an anniversary- like it or not. I didn’t just have my appendix removed- they burst and I laid in pain for a few days, having a DR tell me I just need to take a shit- all while my body was being poisoned by…MY BODY. I was told from a highly respected surgeon that I probably wouldn’t make it or that I may be facing a surgery FAR worst that I should be just because I was so over weight.

People claim near death experiences because they almost have car wreck or some shit but I was told- “there’s a really good chance you won’t make it.”

Just thinking about – it was a fucked up situation that literally changed my entire life- my timeline, what happens to me until the day I die.

If that hadn’t happened- would I still be sticking to Sharketo and be down 140 lbs or would have I have given up again and close to or over 500 lbs right now?

If they told my mom that I died, would she have fought until July 20th?

What would my wife and son be going through right now? Who would get my Pokemon card collection?

I’m in a weird spot right now- I feel weird and shit seems like a movie but it only pushes me to work harder- do more, be happier and just LIVE.

I wrote about considering March 3rd as my FIRST birthday because it was the first time in 41 years my mom wasn’t here to tell me happy birthday but now, I look at today as a first birthday as well.

2019 – the year of first birthdays.

I’m done being weird.

Love, Peace and Sharkyness

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Posted March 17, 2019 by Administrator in category "Thoughts