On 01.01.2018- I gave myself a 2 year time frame to lose 200 lbs and, depending on how you look at the last 1.5 years, you could say I’ve been somewhat successful, decently maintained or a complete failure.

You can literally look at the timeframe I’m on and come to EVERY one of those conclusions.

01.01.2018 – 07.01.2018 – during this timeframe I dropped 110 lbs.
07.01.2018 – 06.10.2019 – during this time frame I got down to 299 lbs and then went back up to 330 lbs and maintained that 30 lbs up and down.

I have 21 days to salvage the last year of my life. If you just focus on the last year, I’ve been a complete fucking failure and it’s literally been a wasted year of struggling, doing all the wrong things and waiting for someone to step up and support me or push me…that never came.

My support system consists of one person and that is my wife yet she is my “partner in crime”. My wife is beyond amazing but she faces the same struggles that I do and it’s really hard to lean on someone for support when they need just it just as much as you do.

I give myself every fucking excuse I can think of and it’s a constant battle in my head- from things like my mom dying to the fact that I’m already in my 40s so who the fuck cares at this point? My entire life revolves around food and it’s always going to be that way- even if I’m winning the battle.

I started out highly focused on helping others by being an example but I’ve learned, over the last 1.5 years- no one truly gives a fuck…maybe it’s just me- as a person. I’m an asshole that speaks out and doesn’t really deal with people being full of shit too well. I’m hard to deal with and the fact is that I could die today and it would really only effect a 2-4 people- if that many.

Some people may read that and think- “wow that’s sad- he’s given up!”

It’s just the opposite- I’ve given up on others which means I can only focus on myself at this point. Honestly- I don’t give a shit if anyone loses weight or gets health of if my struggle is motivation or inspiration for anyone else…in all reality- fuck everyone else.

I feel like I have to explain myself but then it hits me that it’s all in my head- no one even notices.

For example- I invited several people to my big Kinds Island get together on July 20th and a few folks accepted or were interested. Sunday morning I cancelled it and FB sent out a notice to those folks- my wife asked me about it and that was it. Not a single person asked why I cancelled.

I understand that this could be read as “poor me” but it’s honestly completely different than that.

If I drop 20 lbs this month or if I eat myself into a heart attack before July…it doesn’t really matter to the world- 2 people would be affected while the rest of my acquaintances would basically say “oh, that’s sad.”

The beautiful part of that is- no one will ever actually even know I just wrote that except my wife.

All through my life it was just me and my mom- I had some cousins, aunts and uncles here and there but not really much of a family.

I didn’t have many friends in high school and the few I did have were basically inherited from my cousin.

I’ve maintained a “circle” around me of maybe 3-4 people my entire life and that’s it- I’ve always been a loner so I’m not sure why I thought anyone else would put as much effort into supporting me as I’ve tried to put into the world.

I started making my circle smaller a couple of months ago by deleting about 300 people from Facebook- I started trying to change my focus from “the world” to “me”. You start seeing who has time for you, who gives a flying shit when I step back and notice things…you know, those people that you would literally NEVER speak to again if you stopped trying. Those people that you put so much effort into just remaining acquaintances and you know that you are so far down on their fucking list you could die and they would be one of the “oh, that’s sad” people yet they got so much of your time and effort.

This last year has really been a learning experience but my two year journey is far from over….I still have 6.5 months to drop 90 lbs- I dropped 110 lbs in less time.

It’s time to salvage what is left of the last year of my life and really focus on this last 6 months; there is still time to hit this goal if I do it now.

I need to put the entire focus on ME.

From this point on- if someone asks me how I lost weight- they get

No more effort in helping people, no more wasting my time on others, no more really giving a shit about anyone else- how they feel or what they think.

So- what does that mean exactly- well, it means I’m finally going to do what I’ve been trying to do about a year now- focus on me. Work, exercise, boxing, drawing, writing….

….the beauty of that is pretty simple- I’m still right here if people want to find me…but I doubt many will come looking.

Love, Peace and Sharkyness

Author: Administrator