Let’s talk about being a fucking failure- I need to be honest, that was part of the plan from the start.
One year ago today I was down to 313 lbs and today I’m at 363 lbs for a total gain of 50 lbs in exactly one year- pretty screwed up since I lost 110 lbs in 6 months and then was down to 299 lbs on my birthday last year- March 3rd.
So- in reality, I’ve gained 64 lbs in about 8.5 months.
I ended 2018 at 305 lbs- so I need to drop 60 lbs in the next little over 2 months just to even out this year…just to basically WASTE an entire year of my life.
If I don’t- then I will have an overall gain for the year.
I can throw out reason after reason and excuse after excuse- the fact is- I’m addicted to food and binge eat and just can’t get it under control like I did back in 2018.
The ONLY good news is that I’m still down about 75 lbs overall.
I’m still 75 lbs less than I was on 01.01.2018 and I’ve stayed 75 lbs less (or more) for a decent amount of time. If I can get back on track, I would basically have a 75 lb head start- I have not reached that “gaining half of my weight back” point yet.
On 01.01.2018 I set a goal of losing 200 lbs and I was 200 lbs away from that…now I’m 125 lbs away from that goal and I lost 140 lbs in about 14 months and I have 14 months left of my 3 year plan.
This is still possible!
This weekend is going to be extremely stressful and I don’t even think it’s worth trying to fight it and, starting Sunday, everything should get back to a more normal pace for the next 10 months.
How cool would it be to see these other band parents as this fat ass failure tomorrow…and then…10 months later, walk into our first meeting a much smaller failure!
I start each day with a plan of attack that just crumbles every single night and I wake up the next morning with that failure stuck in my head.
All of my cool shirts no longer fit, most of my pants no longer fit and I’m getting winded again and having a ton of issues sleeping- it’s like a downward spiral that I just can’t stop.
I get on track for a couple of days and start feeling amazing and awesome…motivated to destroy the world and then just give up instantly.
People who have never been morbidly obese or struggle with food addiction or binge eating will NEVER understand it- the best thing I’ve see to show the struggles is the Netflix show – “Insatiable”- mostly season 2.
It’s a good little show but it seems season 2 is really showing how food addiction and binge eating works- it’s like I’m watching my life on a TV screen.
I’ve got so much work to do and I gave myself 3 years to do this because I knew it wouldn’t be easy- I didn’t realize this part would be so hard and set me back so far but I knew it was coming…change isn’t easy.
I was super high and then knocked myself back down and I either fight my way back up or die trying.
Love, Peace and Sharkyness