My wife and I always go to Wal-Mart for their Black Fridays sales because we are cheap and love punishing ourselves and once they started moving the sales to Thanksgiving, I started calling it “Brown Thursday”.
Every single year has been a cluster-fuck at the local Lawrenceburg, KY Wal-Mart- voted worst Wal-Mart in the history of stores with “Mart” in their name by me- 15 years in a row now.
2015 was a special year though…a situation unfolded that instantly became a Christmas Holiday Classic that our family still reads by the fire every year. I’m currently saving up money to turn this classic into a holiday cartoon special so future generations can cherish it as much as we do.
Here is the timeless classic tale of Jason…The CSM; please enjoy.
A Tale Of Two Wal-Marts…..And Jason….The CSM.
The wife, Jackie Lynn Milburn and I headed out on Brown Thursday to check out some sales; we waited to hit Wal-Mart in Lawrenceburg – Bypass N until 7pm and, surprisingly, it was pretty empty. There were still a ton of movies and games. 100’s of copies of Goonies- no copies of Home…as was expected. We made our way through the aisles and encountered all of the Brown Thursday assholes we have come to love over the years-
The “let me stop my cart in the exact middle of the aisle to keep anyone from being able to pass me while I stare at this can opener to try to figure out what it actually does.”
The “I’m using Brown Thursday as a family reunion to see my cousins, uncles and sister wives whom I haven’t spoken to since last Brown Thursday….let us talk about things and block this entire aisle.”
The “screw you, let me shove my basket into you as hard as I can to let you know my dominance over you, as a shopper.”
The “I see you are looking at these movies, let me step in front of you and look as well.”
And, of course, the wild Lee White….as we expected.
We were finally done shopping, so we headed out with our $2 copy of Goonies.
Since the trip wasn’t terrible and the store was pretty empty- we decided to head to Wal-Mart in Frankfort, KY.
That place was a bit crazy, of course, had tons and tons of movies/games that the other Wal-Mart didn’t have; so we picked up a $2 copy of “The Heat” and some other things. The same rude people were there and more of them, so it was getting aggravating but our 9 year old wanted to check out the toy section…you know, the non-sale stuff.
He found a little Minecraft toy on the shelf and it was the new series in a set of mini figures and the entire box was already sold, with only a few left.
We were headed out and saw some ladies setting at a table, almost begging people to buy a TV and we were all like….”whhaaaaaaaaat??”
We had just recently bought a 50 inch 4K Smart TV but they had that same TV, only 55 inches and $120 cheaper so why not ask if they had any of those left.
The ladies checked….and they did not because that TV was clear on the other side of the store and they suggested we head that way. I assume the walkie talkie they had was simply for show and didn’t actually do anything.
We made it to the other side of Wal-Mart and asked about said TV and the lady looked (and acted) like were were pieces of shit and how dare we speak to her while she’s at work!!!
We finally headed to the checkout and everything was going great….until…..the Minecraft toy didn’t ring up- it wasn’t in the system! They had already sold about 20-25 of these things, yet it wasn’t in the system?
The little, quiet girl stated that she would have to get the price checked and it may take a few moments; then she turned on her flashing light….and we waited.
…..and we waited…….
…..and we waited…….
You know, in this day and age, where Red Lobster gives me a pager and allows me to roam the grounds until a seat is ready, you would think a store like Wal-Mart would have a better system then a flashing light and ONE CSM!
…..and we waited…..
…..and we waited……
“Do you just not want to get it?” asked my wife.
“It’s the principal of it now…..” I stated.
……and we waited…..
……and we waited…..
Look yonder!!! I see the CSM and he’s headed this way…..JOY!!!!
Oh wait, he turned around….
At this point, I hear the quiet little girl whisper….”Jason”…..she whispered it as if she was watching her lover board a jet plane for another country and she would never see him again…..”Jason…..”
Jason stood there for a few, then started walking towards us again….nope….he had to help someone else; then he turned around and started to head back to the other side of the store….when I heard a slight whisper again….
“Jassssonn” – my heart broke for this girl and her Jason; that she would never see again; I have a thing for true love.
Here we are, about 10 minutes in…..Jason getting on a jet plane, the quiet cashier girl whispering his name into the wind and the second group of people behind us in line saying “fuck this shit…” and moving to another line.
As Jason turned around and headed to the other side of Wal-Mart, no doubt looking for the baggage drop off; I yelled out JASON as loud as I could….
A 400 lbs guy, screaming Jason, on Brown Thursday….
My son instantly started crying due to just being startled and I literally saw everyone in Wal-Mart jump and look at me…..including….JASON!
Glory…….finally……Jason was headed our way!!!
We told Jason that we found the item in the toy section…but Jason headed the opposite way….
……and we waited……
……and we waited……
More people came up to stand in line for awhile and then left, as …..
After about another 10 minutes- my wife telling me her ears were ringing from my yell and me making several smart ass remarks about Wal-Mart, as a company, Jason returned to tell the girl that the item was $3.44.
She quickly typed in $3.98 and I said FUCK IT…..ran my credit card and left.
It’s my own fault really; for shopping at Wal-Mart…for thinking they are capable of….well….anything really.
It’s my fault for saving that damn $3 on Goonies….
Damn you sloth!!!!!!
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