The True Weight Loss Journey
I’ve said it a million times but I’m pretty sure I’m bi-polar…the ups never stay, and I’ve crashed down once again.
Motivations in non-existent.
I’ve fucked up more days than not over the last 2 weeks and probably gained about 5 lbs. back and it feels like everything is just slipping out of control again and there is ZERO reason why.
I’ve pushed myself to still workout daily- if only for 5-10 mins, just to keep it in my head that it’s what I need to be doing- I can’t just stopped all together and get back to where I lost a year or two and gain back the entire 70 lbs. I just spent 5 months losing.
This has been the problem every single time I have any success- sometimes it happens quicker than others and sometimes I lose 140 lbs. before it happens- the struggle has always been figuring out how to make it through the crash without completely fucking destroying all of it.
I’m hoping that forcing exercise daily, even if it’s just a few minutes, will continue to pound into my fucked-up brain that I can’t let it totally crash and, as long as I’m doing it, it hasn’t really “totally crashed.”
In my head, I’m hearing- “you ate like shit, but you still got some exercise in…you’re still fighting” and it sucks to be in this spot and not be able to explain it.
I KILLED it for about 4.5 months and had some amazing success and felt amazing but then…BOOM…I’ve struggled the last 2 weeks, and nothing happened- no major life changing event. My mom didn’t die (again), there was no pandemic to blame it on- nothing.
My son is getting back to normal and doing amazing- down 31 lbs. and doing great in school and marching band.
My wife is as gorgeous and amazing as ever.
Life is pretty damn great, and I have no reason to pin this crash on…I’m just crashing and getting out of control and it’s un-explainable right now.
The motivation of looking forward to working out each day is gone. The motivations to get healthier by eating better and doing intermediate fasting is gone.
I want to do nothing while eating everything.
I went through McDonald’s this morning and got a sugar free vanilla iced coffee and that is a win- I was there, alone, and didn’t go insane and order food or my fav iced mocha…I went with sugar free, which is still about 10g carbs (avg) but it was the “right” choice- it was the healthier choice.
It still amazes me how I can go for weeks and not have any cravings or even want to eat bad and then something switches, and I literally can’t make it through a single day without it just eating away at my brain…second by second…
…that is addiction.
When I get into these spots, there is no reason in my mind- only a craving and I know how fucked up I’ll feel, and I know that it’s going to kill me, and I don’t give a flying shit about any of it. I tell myself that I’ll just give in today and “start fresh tomorrow” and then I screwed up yesterday- what’s another day? And then tomorrow again…and again…and tomorrow doesn’t come for months of even years and then that switch flips again and BOOM- I take off and become amazing again. I crave exercise and I eat perfectly and start dropping weight and feel incredible- like I’m on top of the world- like I’m the greatest human to ever grace this floating rock and I can do anything….
…and then I crash again…
…and then I kill every obstacle in my way…
…and then I fail again…
…and then I get up and fight…
…and then I get knocked back down again…
…it’s fucking exhausting.
That’s food addiction. That’s the “weight loss journey”.
Love, Peace and Sharkyness